


Under the Influence

by Minni



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 19:25:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6672457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minni/pseuds/Minni
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Sarutobi Hiruzen makes some very bad decisions while sick with the flu, and Shimura Danzo has to run damage control. "While I agree that a supervising mission for a Yamanaka four-year-old’s birthday party that includes all sixteen of her little friends from preschool is a bloody nightmare, it doesn’t require the use of my ANBU squad or judicious application of force as needed...Or at least it shouldn’t, no matter how much ice-cream and cake is fed to those little monsters.”</p><p>(Litter of Misfits)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Under the Influence

 

Sarutobi Hiruzen sniffled and snuffed into his tissue, and then realized with some dismay that the tissue was actually a requisition request from one of his jounin. _I thought I told Jiraiya he wasn’t allowed to use napkins from the dango stand anymore._ As he attempted to read the requisition ( _something about lube?_ ), the bag of ice slid off his head and landed with a squelch on the floor.

  He sighed. It was hell to be sick, but even worse to let the paperwork slide any further than it already had. As he leaned sideways in his chair to grab the bag of ice, his office door flew open with a resounding thump. It echoed through every aching joint and his poor, poor head.

  Hiruzen sat upright, but it was more of a sloppy slump forward. He dropped the soggy bag of ice into his lap as his entire body screamed in aching, exhausted protest, and shivered like he was naked in Snow Country. “Yes?” he asked Danzo, who hovered with a thunderous look twisting his face and a sheath of papers twisted in his fist.

  “You,” Danzo said, his voice low and dangerous as he stalked through the forest of papers to Hiruzen’s desk, “will be glad to know that Team Twelve will _not_ be assassinating the cheating boyfriend of the Tea Daimyo’s granddaughter.”

  Hiruzen blinked and thought a long moment. He repositioned the bag of ice on his head. “But… but Team Twelve is a genin team that graduated from the Academy two months ago.”

  “Also,” Danzo continued, planting his hands against the surface of the desk and leaning forward, “while I agree that a supervising mission for a Yamanaka four-year-old’s birthday party that includes all sixteen of her little friends from preschool is a bloody nightmare, it doesn’t require the use of my ANBU squad or judicious application of force as needed.” He paused a moment, frowning, as if thinking of various four-year-old preschool girls that he may have met in the past. “Or at least it shouldn’t, no matter how much ice-cream and cake is fed to those little monsters.”

  Hiruzen pulled the heavy feather duvet closer around his shoulders. He vaguely remembered fantasizing about assigning a squad of ANBU to such a mission, but hadn’t actually thought he signed the paperwork for such. He bet the look on Danzo’s face had been priceless when he first read the mission parameters. “Um. Yes?”

  Danzo sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Tell me that you’ve at least seen a medic.”

  Hiruzen’s hand shook as he sipped from his teacup. He tried not to feel sorry for himself. “I was told that there was nothing they could do for the flu, and to let it run its course.” He sniffled again. “You know, my sweet, cute Tsunade never would’ve let me suffer like this. I think I’d rather be disemboweled.”

  “Probably because the last time you had the flu while doing paperwork, you accidentally tripled the hospital’s budget.”

  He had? Ah, that _would_ explain the suspicious gleam in the hospitalist’s eyes when Hiruzen was at his medical appointment yesterday. He better reverse that order to Torture and Interrogation for hauling the man in for questioning.

  “I took the liberty of switching my squad’s mission for Team Twelve’s, once they recover their own damn bout with the flu.”

  “I suspect Team Twelve would prefer the assassination.”

  “My friend, how long have you been sick while working on the paperwork?”

  Hiruzen looked at his desk. Minus a few small stacks, his desk was largely clear of paperwork – but that was because his tea set, a few medication bottles, several boxes of tissues, his Hokage hat, and a plate of crackers took up most of the room. The rest of the papers were on the floor in multiple rows of waist-high stacks. He had had to use chakra to roof-crawl over to his desk without disturbing any of the stacks. “Well, I’ve been out sick for the last week,” he mumbled, shrinking in his chair and trying not to whimper. The first thing he had tried to do when he saw his office this morning was assign a new Hokage, but the one council member who was healthy enough to show up vetoed that idea. Something about how the decision being too hasty and that, no, the janitor was not eligible. (And then, after shooting down Hiruzen’s pipe dream, Nara Shikaku had the audacity to hang around Hiruzen with the hope that Hiruzen was still contagious. “I’m trying to avoid that troublesome sister of mine. If I get sick, maybe she’ll avoid dragging me into her latest scheme, especially when she’s already pissed off Uchiha Fugaku and his Hyuuga counterpart. Sheesh.”)

  Danzo’s expression became concerned. “Do you even have any help?”

  Hiruzen reached for another tissue and blew his nose. He ignored the wince of disgust that flashed across Danzo’s face – the man was a pansy when it came to any body fluid that wasn’t blood. Then Hiruzen snuffed, frustrated that he still couldn’t breathe, and that his head still pounded. He managed to sift through some of the papers on his desk before finding the memo that had been pinned to his door. “Right now, my current workforce in the Hokage tower is… a janitor, two messengers, a single chuunin accepting mission requests – although I think Shikaku stuck around to help Sanosuke – and myself.” He held up the paper, pinched between two fingers. “See?”

  “No guards?” Danzo snatched the paper and read it. “How’s a janitor supposed to protect you from assassination attempts when you’re sick and vulnerable like this?”

  Hiruzen tried not to sound or look hopeful at such a prospect. He wasn’t successful though, judging by the shifty side-glare that Danzo gave him. “Flu epidemic. Remind me to make vaccinations mandatory next year. It’s sad that Konohagakure has been brought to her knees by a seasonal virus. Kinda reminds me of the Great Gastrointestinal Misfortune of ’38, when we learned the hard way that we really needed to boil our water before drinking...”

  “You shouldn’t even be here!”

  “I’ve been out sick for the last week! I knew if I didn’t come in and try to do something with all of this,” Hiruzen waved at the stacks of paper, “then Konoha would collapse in financial ruin.”

  Danzo eyed Hiruzen. “Tell me the truth, Hiruzen. Your wife got sick and tired of you being sick and moping around at home, and kicked you to the streets, didn’t she?”

   Hiruzen was slumped too far in his chair to hunch over in embarrassment. “That,” he said as imperially as he could (but not before blowing his nose with a gigantic honk), “doesn’t even deserve the dignity of a response.” No matter how true it was. “How come you’re not sick?”

  Danzo smirked. “The flu wouldn’t dare.”

  Hiruzen respected that. If he were a malicious little virus looking for someone to happen to, he would’ve taken one look at the ridiculously disciplined Danzo, whose immune system was no doubt equally disciplined, and run screaming in another direction.

  Danzo sighed and gingerly grabbed Hiruzen’s garbage pail. He left only long enough to empty it of all the snotty tissues that Hiruzen had used so far, and then returned to Hiruzen’s office. Danzo set the pail upside down beside Hiruzen’s chair and then sat on it. “What have we got next?” he asked, eyeing the stacks of papers like he eyed new ANBU recruits. _Fresh meat,_ his gaze said, just before he began the grueling, humiliating lessons.

  Or maybe it was just the fever talking. “You’ll do anything to become Hokage,” Hiruzen said wryly. He decided his used tissues could go into the box beside him that still had some papers to be sorted. He emptied the box’s papers on his desk.

  Danzo shrugged as he drew the pile of papers close and began sorting. “True enough. Also, I don’t want any more ANBU squads or other high-ranking teams receiving D rank missions, although Jiraiya seems rather thrilled that his team was assigned to running the porno store while Watanabe is out sick.” Danzo’s voice dropped into a grumble. “We’ll never pry them out of that shop.”

  Ah, that would explain the requisition request for lube… Hiruzen felt no guilt then as he blew his nose into Jiraiya’s napkin. “You know, I tried to pick my successor today. I was firmly told not to make any important decisions while under the influence of the flu and cough syrup.”

  “A little late for that.” Danzo appeared far more interested in the various files than in Hiruzen.

  “Those might be confidential and outside your clearance level.”

  Danzo focused his sharp gaze on Hiruzen. “Really?” he asked in a dry tone. “Your _undersecretary_ has the same clearance level as you. Just make me undersecretary for the day, since she’s out sick, and then you and I can save Konoha from being ravaged by the effects of this virus. What’s the worst I can do with the information anyway?”

  Hiruzen didn’t take long to consider. “Well, you could form a secret, ruthless organization fronted by ANBU right under my nose to operate in the shadows of Konoha and taking on unsavory missions of the like with the information, _and_ not tell me about it.”

  Danzo gave him that shifty side-eyed glare that he always gave when he had heard an idea that was stupendously _idiotic_ but could actually be brilliant with the right execution. Oops. “Sounds like a great deal of effort, my friend. Maybe I’ll try it in ten years or something, but not right now. I have far too much to do training new ANBU recruits.”

   Best to redirect _that_ sort of planning. Besides, Shikaku hadn’t said Hiruzen _couldn’t_ appoint someone as a _temporary_ replacement. “Would you like the hat, instead?”

    Danzo’s face was blank, which meant that he was feeling… something. His ability to hide his expressions when his passions ran high had gotten better over the years since the death of the Second Hokage. “You know I would. But I’m letting that slide right now because you are operating under the influence of cough syrup.”

  They worked in companionable comfort, sorting through the different papers. Danzo independently decided simple day-to-day memos, orders, requests, and miscellaneous information, his experience in ANBU serving him well in making quick and efficient decisions. Decisions regarding high-ranking and ultra-secret agendas were left solely in Hiruzen’s hands, although Danzo was the one to explain, summarize, and then patiently rebuke Hiruzen for poor decisions and judgments. “We’ll leave these for when you get better,” Danzo decided imperiously before Hiruzen could accidentally start an international debacle. In the end, it seemed like Danzo did most of the work.

  Keeping his hat kept the perks, Hiruzen decided, as he then ordered Danzo to go forth and bring back hot tea. “This is lukewarm,” Hiruzen explained. “And get me a refill of this.” He handed Danzo his bag of ice, which was now just sloshing water.

  “You’re not going to make any decisions while I’m gone, are you?”

  Hiruzen sniffed, and then blew his nose. “I think I’ll just eat some crackers.” After Danzo left, Hiruzen pulled his duvet tighter around his shivering body. His head still pounded and his joints ached without mercy. It was still a good day, nonetheless. It had been a long time (years, really) since he and his old friend actually sat and did something together that didn’t provoke bitterness, tension, jealousy, misunderstanding, or remorse.

  _I should get sick like this and assign genin teams assassination mission meant for his team more often._ Hiruzen was just contemplating how he could use his seasonal hay fever to this advantage when Danzo returned with a tray of tea balanced in one hand and a fresh bag of ice supported in the crook of his elbow.

  They continued to make steady progress through the stacks of paper, eventually clearing all but a half-dozen stacks by the time early afternoon arrived. Due to half a workforce out sick (and the other half split between making sure no one would take advantage of such weakness to strike at Konoha and carrying on the tasks and duties required to make a sizeable Hidden Village run without too many hiccups in the workings), the building was quiet and peaceful. They took a few breaks to ease aching hands and straining eyes, and they laughed and joked together. The ache in Hiruzen’s heart (completely and utterly separate from the ache of the flu) was bittersweet.

  The peace was broken shortly before they received the reason for it. While Hiruzen was leaning back in his chair and drinking his umpteenth cup of tea and Danzo was sifting through a stack of Academy files, they felt the approaching chakra signatures and heard the raised voices.

  “…can’t believe…”

  “Look, it’s perfectly reasonable—”

  “—the nerve of you!”

  “—perfectly _legitimate_ mission—”

  Hiruzen’s office door was thrown open and the chuunin who had been manning the missions desk – a distant cousin of his named Sarutobi Sanosuke – frog-marched a protesting Inuzuka Tsume forward. She wasn’t putting up a fight despite her irritation and how Kuromaru followed silently behind with hackles raised.

  “Hokage-sama!” Sanosuke’s face was as red as his expression was livid. “Do you have any idea what this wench just tried to do?” He released Tsume and waved a mission scroll in the air as Hiruzen set down his teacup.

  “It wasn’t _that_ bad,” Tsume grumbled as she smoothed down nonexistent wrinkles in her chuunin vest. “Guys do it all the time, so I can’t see why I can’t.” Neither of the newcomers seemed bothered by Danzo’s presence, slightly to the left of Hiruzen’s elbow and seated low on the upturned garbage pail. “Even my own brother didn’t care.”

  Sanosuke whipped around to loom over Tsume. “ _Those_ are reconnaissance and intelligence-gathering missions! They are not the same! And your brother slept through the whole thing – that’s _not_ approval!”

  “Not true – Shikaku would’ve definitely wake up, even if it was only to find a new escape route, if he knew this was going to cause any trouble.” Tsume managed to look as reasonable as she sounded. “Besides, what do you _really_ know about those missions, really? Because if I was a civilian guy looking for some thrill and excitement, I’d just make my friend put in a recon request on me.” She brightened. “Oooh – can I submit this request to Jomae? There’s this _hot_ jounin there that was totally checking my ass out the last time Kushina and I passed through the area.”

  Sanosuke sputtered wordlessly for a moment, and then turned back to Hiruzen. “This _brat_ was trying to hire one of _our_ shinobi for sex!”

  In the shocked silence that followed Sanosuke’s indignant voice, Hiruzen wondered if he could blame his fever for what he just heard. A quick glance to his left showed a flummoxed Danzo – something he saw usually only when Inuzuka Tsume or her great-aunt Natsumi were involved. “Ah. Well.” His mind worked overtime to find an appropriate response to this. He even blew his nose to stall for more time. Then he wondered if he couldn’t just plop his hat down on Danzo’s head as a viable solution to pawn the situation onto someone else. “Er. Well, Tsume-san, what’s your reasoning for this?”

  “Like I said, guys do it all the time, hiring kunoichi for sex. Really, that’s what it all really boils down to. And I want to fuck someone who can actually make it worth my time, so I figured that I’d hire someone for it, because then he’d have to give me my money’s worth. And I know what you’re thinking – why not a brothel, right?” Tsume spread her arms in a shrug. “Sorry, don’t do brothels – personal reasons, you understand. Do you know how hard it is to be a horny Inuzuka? You get to pick up on everyone else’s pheromones and lust and sex that _they_ have, and yet not get any relief from it.”

  Danzo asked the next question, sounding almost as indignant as Sanosuke. “Have you tried masturbation?” Sanosuke flinched at that question in embarrassment, shuffling his feet and looking very uncomfortable with what he had started by dragging Tsume into the Hokage’s office. The fact that the Hokage was also an older cousin of his probably only added a secondary layer to his embarrassment.

  Tsume raised her chin in defiance. “Aside from the answer being yes, it’s not a fair question. Try asking any man going into a brothel that question and see where it gets you!”

  “And you couldn’t find anyone reasonable at a _bar_?”

  “I tried!” Tsume stomped her foot, looking younger than her sixteen years of age. Then her arms began gesturing wildly and her voice became louder as she went into her own tirade. She also didn’t really take time to breathe so Hiruzen could get a word in edge-wise. “But when I’m not being ambushed by Kakashi outside the door, discovering Sakumo dumpster-diving in the alley behind the bar, or dodging Aunt Natsumi with her training, I wind up scaring whatever poor civilian that I manage to corner! So, I figured that a shinobi was my best option.

  “Okay, look, first, I tried bedding Uchiha Fugaku. We had that whole pseudo-rival antagonism going on, and I thought it’d be a hot way to relieve the tension between us, and he was currently off in the whole off-and-on thing with Mikoto. He agreed, and it seemed to be going really well with the naked petting and kissing and everything – we did it in the dark, because Fugaku didn’t want me to see this here tattoo he apparently blames on the temporary insanity of an indiscreet youth, whatever _that_ means – until I asked him when he was actually going to stick his cock in me and he said, in a very bland voice, that it already was. I said to him, how small are you if I can’t feel a thing? So he booted me out of his bed and did something with his Sharingan that I haven’t quite figure out _what_. I think he tried to wipe my memory, the ass. And that was when I decided I’m not getting fucked with the lights off, no sir!

  “So after _that_ frustrating disaster, I decided to try something different. Because of the whole rivalry between the clans, I figured that Hyuuga Hiashi would be easy to seduce, and he was, especially after I told him all about Pencil Dick. You know, stroked his ego, which got me on the inside track to stroking his manhood, if you get my drift. Oh, and _his_ dick was much more impressive than Pencil Dick’s, but that’s not hard to do, believe me, so I was kinda hopeful that I’d be able to have some fun.  But the bastard insisted on getting a blowjob first, and I thought okay, that would further demonstrate why I would be great in bed, but it only took one orgasm from _that_ for him to pass out asleep on me!

  “So I left Hiashi a note taped to his forehead about how Pencil Dick had _ten times_ Hiashi’s stamina and was _so_ much more talented with his hands. So, with my two attempts at talking another shinobi into my bed was a complete and utter disaster, I _almost_ went to see Jiraiya, but he’s got this hang-up about me being me, or maybe because I’m under eighteen. I haven’t figured that part out yet, see. I could probably bully Minato into it and try out this whole dominatrix thing that I’ve heard about because I bet he’d be totally submissive in bed, but that’s poaching on Kushina’s territory, no matter how much she might deny it. So, yeah, now I’m trying to hire someone to have sex with me.”

  There was a brief pause as Hiruzen’s mind not-so-desperately attempted to crawl its way out of the gutter.

  “I’m willing to pay B rank for it,” Tsume added with a disheartened sniffle, as if this forgave her tremendous lack of tact and also incredibly detailed gossip. “What does a girl have to do to get laid around here?” She pointed an accusing finger at Sanosuke. “And if you really cared about the ‘integrity of the system that the Esteemed Second Hokage created’, why couldn’t you just volunteer off the record to _help_ me? Besides, I’ve already got the lowdown on the Esteemed Second Hokage, because Aunt Natsumi told me all about Tobirama.” 

  Hiruzen’s hand itched to reach for his hat. Danzo’s left eyebrow had developed a tic that forewarned of impending doom. Sanosuke looked like he wanted the floor to open up and swallow him. “I see,” Hiruzen said, trying to look and sound very understanding and wise despite the bag of ice on his head and the duvet wrapped around his shoulders. “It would most certainly have to be a B rank mission when you’ve already somehow managed to mortify the two heirs of Konoha’s top clans.” _And_ probably preempted a new level of complicated clan rivalry. He didn’t even want to imagine the level of political hell he was going to have to suffer through for the next generation (or maybe three or four generations, considering how the two offended clans could carry grudges for _centuries_ ).

  The thought of Tsume also cheerfully hiring a shinobi from another nation to seduce her for the fun of it was also enough to make the hair on the back of his neck rise on end.

  Ah well, since he couldn’t pawn off his hat and duties to Danzo, Hiruzen could at least pawn off a mission. “I certainly can’t have you doing any more damage than you’ve already done, so I shall assign this mission to Shimura Danzo here.”

  Danzo shuddered like someone had shoved an armful of snotty tissues into his face. “WHAT?”

  Tsume cheered up. “Okay!”

  “What - no, _not_ okay. Most certainly not okay at all!” Danzo stood up so quickly that his makeshift seat flipped over sideways. “This is not an appropriate mission to even be accepting, much less assigning to anyone! Inuzuka Tsume – along with the Uchiha and Hyuuga heirs, apparently – need to learn how to control their emotions and not allow lust to rule their heads!”

  “None of them are going to learn if they don’t have an appropriate teacher,” Hiruzen said, ignoring Tsume’s grumble of _not fair, you butthead, when the guys have heads located below their belts designed to be ruled by lust._ “You do so enjoy imparting knowledge on the younger generations.” And attempting to reshape them in Danzo’s own ideals, which Hiruzen really needed to get around to discussing with Danzo before it got out of control. “She trusts you.”

  “Sure, I do!”

  “Are you out of your mind?”

  “Why yes,” Hiruzen replied with too much cheer. “Cough syrup, remember?” Danzo still looked murderously unconvinced. “Can you just imagine any further political damage that Tsume could do if left to run amok with her hormones unchecked?” Good heavens – he was going to need to assign a team of ANBU full-time just to keep her away from any visiting dignitaries from the Fire Daimyo’s courts, or from other foreign shinobi nations. Or he could just make Danzo do it. “You don’t have to be the one to have sex with her – you just need to _find_ an appropriate man who will meet all Tsume’s qualifications in a subtle manner that she… hasn’t yet learned.”

  Nor would Tsume probably ever learn, but that was a given. Hiruzen nodded to himself. “I’ll just leave the details for a successful mission in your capable hands.”

    “Fine,” Danzo hissed. As he stalked out of the office, his hand clamped around Tsume’s arm and dragged her out of the office. Kuromaru followed after them, tail half-tucked between his legs.

  Hiruzen looked at Sanosuke. “Even though this is a B rank mission, please note that I’ve assigned it to Black Ops.”

  Sanosuke’s face was still bright red. “Right. This never happened, I was never here, and nothing was said.”

  “Good boy.” Hiruzen hunched down in his duvet and chair after his cousin also departed. He had a sneaking suspicion that he would be paying for the events of this afternoon for years to come.

**Author's Note:**

> I think I have officially reached the point where I ship Danzo and Hiruzen as Platonic Life Partners And Soul Mates...
> 
> Ah, hell. I can imagine these two old codgers experimenting with each other in their youth, so I ship them as Mostly Platonic Life Partners And Soul Mates.


End file.
